Recently a client, who lives in San Diego, asked me this question:
“Through online dating, I’ve been in contact with a man who lives in Los Angeles (about 3 hours away).
He asked me to drive up to meet him. Should I go?”
Here is my answer:
There are TWO essential behaviors for building a healthy relationship:
- both people share emotional honesty, and
- both people are willing to do the work to build the relationship.
Sometimes, when a woman wants to create a relationship, she puts more energy into a potential partnership than the man does.
This can create an imbalance.
When there is imbalance, one or the other person is being taken advantage of.
This will eventually create resentment or low self-esteem in the person who is being used.
My recommendation is to stay aware of how much effort you are investing… in comparison to the man you’re dating.
If any of the following examples happen on a regular basis, the relationship is out of balance:
- If you are texting or calling 3 or 4 times, when he has only texted once.
- If you are spending more money (on food, gifts, entertainment) than he does.
- If you are the one creating more opportunities to get together than he does.
Of course, its possible, for a healthy relationship to be out of balance for a brief period, especially if there is a good reason.
For example, if you’ve been dating for a few months and he gets the flu,
you might be willing to go to the expense and effort to prepare a warm meal and deliver it to him.
But, if this is happening every couple of weeks, and he is not taking you out to dinner in between, then it’s out of balance.
So, to the question about travel…
If there is a man who lives an hour or more away, who asks you to come and meet him,
AND you have ANOTHER reason to be in his area,
it would be very reasonable to tell him you’d love to get together while you’re there.
But, if he’s suggesting that you meet, and he’s NOT offering to come to you, then I would hesitate.
You might say, “Yes, I’d love to get together. When do you think you’ll be coming this way?”
If he says, “Oh, I thought you could come my way,” then he’s not putting out any effort.
He’s expecting you to do all the work.
On the other hand, he might say, “I was hoping you would come to me, because I want to take you to my favorite restaurant.”
That’s very different, because now he’s giving a reason for you to come to him,
and he’s offering to put out the effort and expense to take you to dinner.
One more thing, be aware of the difference between words and actions.
For example, maybe he is constantly telling you how much he appreciates all that you do…
…but he’s not DOING much in return.
This is out of balance.
Be sure you aren’t making justifications for his lack of effort.
As a gauge for how well the relationship is working, ask yourself:
are we both being emotionally honest?
are we both contributing equally in the effort to build a relationship?
If not, the relationship is out of balance.
In this message, we have talked about the “work” of building a relationship.
In the next newsletter, we’ll explain “emotional honesty” and how to tell if it’s present in your relationship.
We want to help you build a happy and healthy relationship!
Now is the time to start YOUR work!
Click HERE to book a Personal Chat with Angeline.
To Your Relationship Mastery,
Angeline & Dixon
The Relationship Mastery Academy