Was your parent a CONTROLLER?
Typically, it’s the father who is the controller, so although it isn’t always true, I’ll refer to your parent as “he.”
- If he was always right and you were always wrong…
- If he always had to have the last word…
- If he said you were disrespectful anytime you disagreed with him…
- If he told you how, who, and what you should be…
- If he criticized or ridiculed, you when you had a different opinion…
- If you were not allowed to differentiate from him.
Then basically, you were not allowed to discover who you are.
You were not allowed to define your unique self.
From a place of compliance, you may have passively shifted to fit other people’s expectations.
Maybe you found yourself saying “I’m sorry” all the time…even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
You may have felt you needed “permission” to speak your mind, or to tell people what you wanted.
Other people, with similar challenges, find it very hard to set boundaries.
Because our boundaries tell the world who we are,
but you may not be sure who that is.
And when you’re not sure who you are, it’s hard to stand up for yourself.
It can be difficult to demand fair treatment or respect.
On the other hand, perhaps you rebelled.
If you rebelled, you defined yourself by what you didn’t want to be,
rather than who and what you wanted to be.
Now as a rebel, you’re not free to choose because you’ve become trapped in your rebellious identity.
Anger and resentment may become a primary factor in your behavior.
Whether passive or rebellious, in either case you are not free to become your true self.
You don’t feel empowered to set healthy boundaries.
Perhaps you find yourself repeating your controlling parent’s behaviorand attitudes.
In interactions with him, he was always the winner.
That was a win/lose pattern, and you were the loser.
Now, as an adult, you may feel a compulsive need to “win” every discussion.
You may feel anxious or threatened when someone disagrees with you.
This may happen in either personal or business settings.
In a business meeting for example, you may find yourself raising your voice or using sarcasm in an attempt to “win” the conversation.
Even if you “win” you’ll likely lose the trust and loyalty of your fellow employees.
When discussions turn into a win/lose, the relationship always loses.
This pattern will handicap your ability to form satisfying relationships.
The lack of opportunity to differentiate and define yourself when young,
also may limit your ability to dream or fantasize about who you want to be
or what you want to do with your life.
For example, it may be hard for you to create a Vision Board or ask for a raise.
What’s the answer?
With my clients I have found that exploring their past,
as they learn to set healthy boundaries,
tends to create a fresh vision of who they are and how they want to live their life.
If you want to empower yourself with the freedom to be who you want to be,
and live a rich, full life, with satisfying relationships, then simply respond “YES”
and I will send you the details.